no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
