We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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