were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
