my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize