I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
