I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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