I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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