Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
