70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
