My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
