Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
