i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
