Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
