Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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