I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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