Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
