I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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