mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
