Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
