Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
