apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
