I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
