From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
