I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
