Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Randomize
