A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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