I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
