I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
