Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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