I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
