Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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