so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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