You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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