home. puking in laundry basket.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
