the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
