stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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