Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
