you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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