Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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