hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
