I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
