remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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