So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
