im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
