Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
