If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
