She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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