At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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