it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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