i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
