My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
