Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
