So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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