i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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