I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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