Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
