so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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