Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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