Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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